Shun's Favorite

Okay, so i think maybe my family is abusive. Where i grow up corporal punishment is normal so all those jokes on tik tok and stuff where you see a black, latino or asian kid joking about what they have been beaten with are true (obviously). I'm not going to state my age but just know i am at an age where i can get a job but i haven't moved out of my parents house yet. I don't know if my childhood was a weird one but just to give you a basic run down the first time i ever had a birthday party was when i was fifteen. The first time i was ever allowed to go by a friend's was when i was fourteen. First time i was allowed to go outside my house without asking permission first was seventeen. The first time was allowed to see my dad was when i was nine. The first time i was ever allowed to have male friends was when i was 16 (i obviously still had male friends. i just refused to introduce them to my mom cause i knew she would interrogate me......this is probably the damn reason i'm a lesbian) The first time i was allowed to get a job was never because up to this day my mom insists that i don't get one.

I don't know what yall consider physical abuse. Just know i can make a 2 page list of things i've been beaten with and i still have some marks on my skin from cuts the things i been beaten with left. Anyways, i'm here to talk about mental abuse. Recently my grandma's favorite thing to do is lock me out of the house whenever i leave the house. The only extra key goes to my ma so i usually have to pick the lock to get back in the house to which my grand then yells for at least a half an hour about things like 'how did i get back in?' "she locked me out'. Then my mom comes home late from work to drop off food home before she leaves again in five minutes. When i try to explain to her what my grand is doing she always says 'i don't have anytime for you or my mother to stress me. I am done with dealing with that'. Another scenario i want to bring up is that when i have to go places i have to catch the bus which cost money but my mom is my only form of money cause she refuses to let me get a job. However, whenever i ask for said money my mom always goes on a long rant about how long the hours she works are and how she barely has any money before giving me the money. She also does this with the food. If i eat any food without her permission i get yelled at or when she cooks she tells me about how she will cook for me to but i don't deserve. Look, I could right an entire essay but this is getting sort of long. Point is, i have major anger issues (surprise surprise) and now my family wants to send ME to a psychologist like all their bitch asses don't need to come to.

edit: Okay, look. I'm probably going to delete this anyways so i'm going to explain more about what i mean since people keep misunderstanding how bad i mean my situation is. My family has 9 cutlasses. What are cutlasses? Machetes, big ass knives if you will. My grandmother has threatened to chop off my hand with one. SHE needs a damn therapist too. My mom now. Good fucking god my mother is the main person who needs help. I understand discipline but when i was freaking nine she chopped up my first fucking electronic which was a tablet. I have owned five phones and only one i have actually destroyed on my own. My mother snapped all my other phones in half when i disobeyed her. To further it my family argues every day so i depend on my headphones. My mother snapped all my head phones and popped up all my earphones. i didn't want to mention this shit but fuck it. I have ran away from home 5 times. I have been disowned and put out of the house off and on depending on my mother's whims. I have attempted suicide 3 times. You want to know what my lovely mother told me when she found out about my second attempt? She told me i could kill myself, they would cry and then they would move on. She tells me my father doesn't like me, that because of my personality my friends probably don't like me. Calls me a nasty lazy bitch. She has hugged me twice in the past 3 years and yes i fucking counted. The first time i went to get help was when i was 12. My mom looked the woman in the face and asked 'What stress could a child have? Something is just wrong with her. We should put her in the mental" And that has stayed with me for years. Every time i have a breakdown i question it. Is something actually wrong with me? what problems do i have? I'm probably just dramatic. I don't mind going to a psychologist but what i want to know is am I really the problem? And it hurts even more because i tell my fucking self it doesn't matter what she says but it fucking does. I can never say i love my mother. My mother has gotten me ready to go on an airplane and as soon as i wwas ready told me i'm not going anymore. When i asked why she told me think about it. That i should remember. My mother has ripped up books i read and burned art i have painted. This might not matter to some of yall but this shit hurts. I didn't have a tv or was allowed to go outside as a child. My childhood was based off of all those things she broke, burned and chopped up. I would have rather gotten beat black and blue than those things she did and she fucking knew that. sigh. i'm done. someone tell me how to delete a mangago account.