rou's question (17)

despite it being an insanely broad question, i find myself in the need of soul searching. i just lay in my bed and scroll endlessly on every app i frequently use, and honestly it’s so mind numbing to the point where im so bored of life. i’m not special or anything and i don’t think there is any meaning to life, what do u think?

this is more recs of main characters like gray yeon, badass feminine looking, underestimated, main characters that are usually set in action manhwa that have absolutely no romance?

this is mostly just a vent, i don’t have friends irl that take me seriously and i don’t have many online friends that i feel comfortable venting to so i’m putting it here without the expectations of a response.

my relationship with my mom is not unusual but definitely weird. she loves me, but we argue a lot. i am rebellious and i hate myself for feeling that way (right now). i went through a bad depression since i was really young, and as i grew up i took it out on my mom. i hate myself for that so much right now. we would argue everyday to the point where she wondered “where did i go wrong? i have 3 other kids and they were never like this?” and i used to not care and i pissed her off a lot.

but i love her, as much as my younger self would say “i wouldn’t care if she died” i really care for and love my mom. she makes me food, she cares about my feelings, she helps me prepare for things, she tries her best to get me things i want, she really really is the best person in my life right now and im taking her for granted every second of my life.

when i look back at my times wit her , i want to hit myself in the face and make me hug her and accept her motherly love because every time i “rejected it because i thought i was being cool” is so immature and so fucking stupid. it’s all getting back to me like a truck, and i’m so fucking dumb for not realizing it sooner.

my mom is having early stages of dementia, and i’m fucking terrified of the entire disease. like i am so fucking scared of dementia and the fact that i keep on thinking that she might have is making me so fucking sad and scared and right now i’m in shock and i feel so detached that i can’t even cry anymore. it’s not that i can’t live without my mom, it’s the fact that i have to live in a reality where she wont see my future as “herself” anymore. and if she dies, my whole family and life is going to fall apart because when i realize i love my mom and i would give up my life to save her and when i am realizing right now that i should have loved her so much fucking more i want to kill myself.

i don’t know what to do, i am scared and i’m i’m so much disbelief that i just can’t sleep anymore.

does anyone else feel like they hate hanging out with friends 75% of the time?

they all think i hate when they cancel our plans but i honestly don’t, i love just staying inside and treating myself.

like i don’t hate them it’s just that i love myself more

okay i’m pretty indifferent to many things that my friends do ever since i matured more, but honestly it’s been so stressful especially in HS.

idk why but i’m just so tired of having to act a certain way for them to like me, and the moment i stop they tell me they don’t want to be my friend anymore (we “made” up, i sent them a paragraph and they sent me a couple voice messages which sounded like she was trying not to laugh. also she showed the entire thing to the friends “she didn’t want to involve) because i started just listening more than talking. and i gotten close with one of my other friends and they thought i was fake.

and i just don’t even want to go to school anymore because it’s so stressful, i want to stop being friends with them but i don’t wanna lose the friends in the group we are all in.

ngl i’ve been in a slump and i didn’t talk to basically anybody (had a meaningful conversation) for a few days

feeling kinda cringy from that and im bored af, i wanna eat but ngl all foods are mid asf rn and i don’t want to leave my bed

anyway what do you guys do when ur bored i need suggestions cuz video games and lying on my bed ain’t cutting it

I hate the feeling of hugs, I am disgusted by skin touching and hugging in general. I feel so repulsed and like throwing up but I push through for the people I love. They always complain that I’m shit at hugging and they seem to think of it as a joke but lately my friends have been over stepping my boundaries.

im gonna go on a ramble here because im bored.

i feel like theres a difference between wanting to not exist and to commit suicide. for me, who has wanted to do both theres such a different vibe to the two of them. wanting to not exist is just a feeling of solace, its not that im sad or angry im just me. like i dont have a passion to live, but also i dont want to die. dying is so annoying, it hurts the people around me, its an overall burden. but not existing; people wont be sad because they never have met you, its not a burden to die because your never going to die. im not sad that i dont want to exist, to me its just a thought of "if i had a choice to be born or not, i wouldve chosen not to be born".

now for suicide, i was in a really bad state of mind. i was angry, i wanted to not only kill myself but to harm the people around me. i hated everyone, i genuinely wanted to jump off a bridge. i would have depressive episodes and would skip school and not do work for weeks, and i would have extremely bad arguments with my mom about the littlest things.

the worst thing about feeling suicidal (for me) is that i blamed the others around me. if i had problems with my friends, i would always blame it on them even if i was the one who started it. i dropped most of my friends because i know it wasn't doing them OR me any good because it caused both of us to have a lot of stress.

the worst thing about non existence is probably explaining it to people, i sound completely stupid because a lot of people think i want to die and they get worried. but i dont want to die, but at the same time i dont want to live. im not worried to die, it comes to everyone but i dont want to wait for death to take me. im not going to kill myself, its too fucking annoying. living is okay, im fine for where ever life is gonna take me.

does anyone relate? idk how to end this, tbh its just mindless ranting at 2 am here.

mainly for mac demarco fans or perhaps anyone who likes music similar to his vibe/genre.

this might be a weird question but what mangas/hwas remind you of his songs? (or maybe ones that you read while his songs play in the background)

heres an ex if you don't get it:

Song: For the First time
Manga/hwa/hua: 10 years I loved you the most
Reasoning: Both share a similar feeling of regret and longing for their partner

ok i’m a sucker for action/regression/solo leveling/gates/“S” rank Manhwa, but seriously all of them are so boring. like im pretty invested in SSS class suicide wtv wtv, TOTCF, ORV and SCHTIR, but all of them are pretty unique in their own way (may it be queerbaiting or fandom shipping or just super r interesting plot and a good LN behind all the art). all of the shit now are really just repeat after repeat after repeat.

i just really want one that’s unique and interesting. bro sometimes i’m bored in class and that shit won’t even ease my boredom and I literally get mesmerized by colored rays??????

anyways any1 feel the same way?

hiii i’m new to HSR and i needed friends my uid is

601264342

My friends cancelled on me, thought I'd be crying or mad but I'm quite happy and relaxed in the comfort of my own home. Anyone else got the same feeling/experience?

Mine would be living in a fantasy world, with royalty/kingdoms and magical powers with sword fighting skills and shit. Pretty casual isekai stuff but I don’t want bitches, I just want to be those powerful old guys who defeated the demon king and lives in a remote area with his grandson and just chills there until some random antagonist kills me and then I can see my grandson get revenge for my death by watching him as a spirit or reincarnate as something else so I can be included in his journey and when it’s my final moments with him once more I would say, “You’ve grown into a fine man my boy, go forth and be prosperous, live the life you want to live and be happy.”

whats the usual search on ph 4 u guys?

i have a few:

Burn Bridges by DoM
HOLD ME TIGHT by Raijie
Flowers in the Dark by Ben Morgan
그대 내맘에 들어오면은 by Jo Duck Bai
- ^ [pretty popular but i dont hear it often that much anymore :((((]
PARK Ave. 1981 by EPO

anyways no clue if these can count as underrated but ive not really had conversations about these songs to people as often as many of my other likes. share yours and im bound to check them out!

hi ok so im in dire need of finding japanese raw websites (free) pls link below

i’m going to japan and korea in like 2 days anyone got any tips?

anyone wanna meet up UwU :3